It’s not rape but it’s not right

I don’t know if this counts as discrimination but I know that I feel confused and violated.

Many years ago, there was a guy in my class at university that I really liked. He seemed to like me too. We started spending time together and from very early on he wanted a sexual relationship. I thought that it was too soon and that we should get to know each other better but he wasn’t interested in a relationship.

I guess I was really lonely and I did enjoy his attention so I kept spending time with him and we did have some heavy foreplay but I would always stop him. Eventually he told me that if I didn’t want to have sex that we shouldn’t be spending so much time together. So one night after we had this same conversation and he told me that I should go home, I didn’t.  He then told me he was going to have sex with me. I said no but I didn’t resist when he took off my clothes. 

When we finished having sex he told me to go home. That night, I sat in my room and wondered what had happened to me. I wasn’t raped. But I had sex with him even though I would have preferred that we be in a relationship. 

What is worse is that I had sex with him several times after that. But that first time is not how I would have wanted it to be.

I felt stupid and weak. I thought that I was the type of girl who could stand up for myself but when the time came I just let him have his way. I participated, so I can’t blame him. But, I feel as though I let myself down.

When I look back on it I think to myself that I gave him too much of my power. Or that I didn’t exercise my own power. I am timid to get involved with men. I put up defenses so that I don’t get taken advantage of. I want to be the kind of woman who can say no and walk away. I want to always feel like my decisions are mine, not that they were forced on me. 

Celia

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