In my mind I think of it as that. I never thought I’d have one. I’m the kind of girl that only has sex in committed relationships – it must *mean* something if you know what I mean…
I had one last January though going into it I didn’t think that that’s what it would be. I’d gotten out of a long-term relationship some months before – my partner had cheated on me (3 strikes and you’re out). I was lonely in that way where you’re accustomed to being with someone – able to share yourself, your thoughts, your body – and then not having that outlet. Around this time an old friend? boyfriend? acquaintance? got back in touch with me. We’d gone out a few times some years back but it had never led to anything serious. Phone conversations led to in-person conversations. Talking led to mild flirting to serious flirting. It felt good – to have someone that listened and cared and made me feel needed / appreciated / beautiful.
It all led to sex one day – after my workday but before his – and I will not lie – it was really great sex. What was not so great? The call that night from his (rightfully so) enraged girlfriend. I didn’t even know he had one. Or that they’d been together for years. Suddenly, I was the one that someone was cheating on their partner with.
Fall-out – had to accept the feelings within myself: guilt even though I honestly thought he was single (I still wonder if I missed signs that he wasn’t), hurt because apparently all the convos and time spent was mainly to get me into his bed, disgust because he called me the day after to ask if we could ‘meet up again’ because ‘he’d hide it better from his girlfriend’.
I’ve been single since that time… and celibate. Trust is something that I need in a relationship… and right now I’m not sure I can let myself.